Candid Chat 2015 (Mid-Year Edition)

Picture From: http://themogulmom.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/09/how_to_be_happy.jpg

I normally upload these types of posts at the end of every year. But this year I have learnt so much that I feel the need to upload one now, before this blog post turns into a novel.

  1. “Happiness is the meaning and the purpose of life, the whole aim and end of human existence.”Aristotle

This year started off on a very bad note for me. The details of that account I shall keep to myself. Honestly, life felt like a series of (unwanted) things happening to me. I wasn’t in control and I most definitely wasn’t happy about it. Happiness is such a crucial part of our lives. I feel like a lot of the things we do in life is to ensure the happiness of oneself, and at times, others even. If we are not happy in our current job, we would seek another one. If one is not happy in a relationship, he/she either tries to restores it to its former glory or lets it go. Everyone, without exception, strives to be happy. But, we tend to forget one thing as we intertwine ourselves with life’s daily grind – Happiness is not a destination. Happiness was once just a state of being, however, now a lot of us (myself included) equate it with commodities, situations and/or people. And that is the same with other emotions such as anger and frustration. As Brene Brown states, ‘blame is a way to discharge pain.’ To that I would like to add, blaming others for the misery that has besieged our lives is the easiest way to escape taking accountability for our own actions. Taking accountability for our own actions is the best way to regain control in and of our lives. (Side note: What happens is when we are stuck in certain circumstances we expect the other person to change – he/she to take the first step. The reality is: we would be waiting all our lives for that person to change and there is no guarantee whether he/she will or not.) Happiness should come from within. When you are truly happy with who you are and what you have become are you able to radiate that feeling of absolute happiness to others.

  1. “Take the highroad, there is less traffic there.”Dr Phil

Throughout the course of this year, I found myself in absolutely undesirable situations; consulting people whom I otherwise would not have wanted to have any interaction with. We all, at some point in our lives, will find ourselves in situations like that where we feel unheard, disrespected and at times even humiliated. And at times like those, I have learnt (correction: am learning) to take the highroad. In an ideal situation, I would love to control what others think, say and do, especially if I am on the receiving end of it all. But I know well enough that I cannot do that. What I can do, however, is stay in control of my thoughts, words and actions. How the other person behaves is a reflection of him/her, on the other hand, how I respond to that behaviour is a reflection of me. This is not to say that you should not address the issue. By all means, please do. Address the issue, with the person concerned, in the most appropriate manner where both individuals come out as winners.

  1. “Much unhappiness has come into the world because of bewilderment and things left unsaid.” Fyodor Dostoyevsky “Assumptions are the termites of relationships.” Henry Winkler “The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.” George Bernard Shaw, Leadership Skills for Managers

Sometimes, we underestimate the power of effective communication (and effective listening). Firstly, it is really important for us to understand that while we all have a right to freedom of speech, we also have a responsibility to freedom of speech. Every right comes with a responsibility. We have to realize that our thoughts, speech and actions have an impact (be it positive or negative) on not only ourselves, but also others. In the last few days, I have really understood how situations can take a turn for the worse if it has not been addressed in an appropriate manner with the person or people concerned.

To be honest, I have had those days where I am not able to confront the individual and let him/her know how his/her words and/or actions has inconvenienced me/caused me a great deal of pain. And that, to be frank, has landed me into a lot of trouble. I had found myself internalizing a lot of those emotions that later strained not only the relationships that I had with others, but also the relationship that I had with myself. I also found myself painting everyone with the same brush. Person X hurt me in the past, I am sure Person Y will do the same.

I found myself in a situation not too long ago that made me realize that the delivery (how you communicate or method of communication) of the message is important if not MORE important than the actual message (what you communicate) itself. If you want people to hear you, furthermore, if you want people to understand you, you have to deliver your message in a manner that is respectful and polite, yet firm and clear. Respect, after all, is a two way street. Ultimately, we all want to feel accepted and appreciated (for who we are) and that is not possible if our individual needs are not met or if we feel unheard, disrespected or even humiliated.

In a case where you feel disrespected, it is good to just have a chat with that person to let him/her know about what you are feeling/thinking. Simply assuming that he/she knows already and does not want to rectify his/her mistake is most definitely a big problem.

  1. “Chang-an writes, “If one befriends another person but lacks the mercy to correct him, one is in fact his enemy.” The consequences of a grave offense are extremely difficult to erase. The most important thing is to continually strengthen our wish to benefit others.”Nichiren Daishonin

I have no issues with people correcting me in a constructive manner. I really do not. In fact, I would expect my family and friends to point me in the right direction if I have gone astray. And I sincerely appreciate all those who do because it takes an immense amount of courage speak out.

  1. “Often, it’s not about becoming a new person, but becoming the person you were meant to be, and already are, but don’t know how to be.” Heath L. Buckmaster, Box of Hair: A Fairy Tale 

I am by nature a talkative and opinionated young woman. And unfortunately, these characteristics are not always widely appreciated in the society I live in (even more so if these qualities exist in a young woman). In my teenage years, I was severely picked on for having these qualities. So much so that I absolutely hated having to talk to people or voice my opinions. But these are the same qualities that helped me change my life around. Today, I am not only invited by individuals/organizations/schools and universities to talk about issues such as bullying and gender inequality, but also called to host events. Through my speeches and because of my opinions I am not only able to form strong connections with people from all walks of life, but also actively change a situation that is often times seen as vexatious. This would have never happened if I had not embraced who I am. Hence why, today, I am unfazed by comments that seemingly attack those qualities of mine. Furthermore, I learnt never to be apologetic for being you. You can apologize for unintentionally inconveniencing someone or doing something inappropriate, but you should never have to apologize for being who you are.

  1. “In learning you will teach, and in teaching you will learn.”Phil Collins

Yesterday, I was invited to a primary school here in Auckland, New Zealand to conduct a workshop with the students. Mind you, these students are between the ages of 8 to 10. There is so much you can learn from having a one-on-one interaction with them. What an awe-inspiring experience! I am always told that I should become a teacher because I work well with kids. Personally, I believe that to be able to teach (and likewise, to be able to learn) is such an important skill to have. Teaching, in my opinion, is not just a name of a profession; in a way, it is a way of life. When you are in a situation where you do not know something and want to learn it, you become the student. When you are in a situation where you know something and need to teach it, you become the teacher.

I have been to a few schools this year and unfortunately I almost always hear at least one student say: “I am bad at this” or “I am dumb.” It breaks my heart to know that these kids have so much potential and they do not even know it. Unfortunately, our society and education system programs children to avoid, and furthermore be afraid of making mistakes and/or failing. What these kids (and adults) do not know is that when you stop making mistakes, you stop learning. We all make mistakes and learn from them. That is the beauty of making mistakes. People carry this false idea of success being a straight road. It is only when you truly embrace failure and rejection that you are able to create a springboard to success.

Well, that is all for now. Have a great rest of the year, everyone!

For Candid Chat 2014 click here

For Candid Chat 2013 click here

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